It’s taken me a long time to write this post.
Almost seventeen weeks, to be honest.
I started this blog as a way to document our journey and possibly help others along the way. And I think that I may have done you a disservice, if you’ve been following along, by not telling you the ‘ending’ to our story.
If you followed me on Twitter, you may have seen this:
And I struggled afterwards with what I should say here. I felt such guilt that I was pregnant when SO many of you have been trying and yearning and begin God for years and years to get pregnant. I felt like there was no way for me to talk to you all about with without upsetting someone.
So I didn’t say a thing.
But now I think about it and wonder, is there anyone else who is in my position? Is there another couple out there who tried for ‘almost a year’ and then finally got pregnant? Do they feel the same way that I do?
And so for you – yes you – here it is! The ‘ending’. I am pregnant. We are ecstatic and giddy and documenting every single detail of this pregnancy. I’m no longer ‘bump-less’ – I have an ever-growing abdomen that I touch and talk to and fall asleep dreaming about.
So, this is goodbye, for now. Because this is a place to talk about being bumpless and I no longer qualify. Thank you all for your community, camaraderie, and being there with such positive and uplifting comments and tweets.
Yup, you read that right. I’m packing it in.
I may have mentioned this previously, but I’m not 100% sure if you know that we have a baby room. A painted, new light, bookcases, laundry basket, footstool, closet full of baby clothes kind of baby room. It’s owl-themed. It’s beautiful.
We got the room ready before we were married, when we had just started trying to conceive (Gasp! We lived together before we were married!). It’s a lovely colour and I really used to enjoy sitting in there, sometimes reading or praying.
But Mr. Bumpless and I are well on our way towards having a down-payment for a house. This summer we’ll be done renting and we’ll likely move quite soon. I highly doubt my baby room here will ever see our baby.
So yesterday I went to Canadian Tire (plug for Canadians!) and bought some BIG plastic totes. And today, after I finish writing this, I’m going to go upstairs and pack the baby room. I’ll pack all of the rooms eventually, but I think it’s time to be realistic.
Why do I need a baby room?
I have eluded via Twitter what went on yesterday however there are some things you just can’t really talk about in 140 characters! Thank goodness I have this blog! Some of you who have been following this blog might already know but if you don’t – hypothyroidism is keeping me from ovulating and therefore from getting pregnant. I wrote a blog about when I found out and then another one if you need more information.
Yesterday I went to see my doctor and found out that the 100mcg of Synthroid that I’ve been taking has brought my TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone) from 5.4 to 0.02. That’s basically one extreme to the other. Now, I have noticed quite a few changes since I started taking the Synthroid but I’m still not pregnant, and that’s likely because I’m still not ovulating. The doctor changed my script from 100mcg to 75mcg and hopefully my TSH will come up into normal range.
I go for bloodwork in May to re-check my TSH level. If it is out of the normal range I’ll adjust my dose again and if it isn’t, I’ll go for more cycle-specific bloodwork to see if I’ve started ovulating yet.
Or the better option – I’ll be pregnant! Who knows.
For now I’m still bump-less!
I officially passed the month.
Many of you may understand. For some, a far distant memory. For others – it’s like yesterday.
I reached cycle ten.
This was the month that I would have been due to give birth to our first child, if I had have gotten pregnant on the first try. Now, you may scoff at the mere thought of someone getting pregnant on the first try. But it happens. It has actually happened to a lot of women in my family. My mom, her sister, my cousin… Not me! I had a negative pregnancy test yesterday and then ‘aunt flo’ [my period people, why can we not just say ‘period’ these days?] arrived this morning.
But I will be trying again!
Ok. It’s time for me to stop wallowing and realize that I might be in this for the long haul. I can’t be feeling depressed when, really, I may have just only begun. It’s time to leech all the negativity out of my life and start soaking up positivity. Hope. Love. Light.
I am a sponge now people, and I’m soaking it all in!
Cheers (orange juice in a wine tumbler, hold the bubbly) to cycle 11!
Cycle day one of the first cycle we started trying to conceive was June 24th, 2013. If you have read through this blog at all you probably already know the story, if not – feel free to browse for hours! There’s a lot to read since that day.
Regardless, you are reading this today; March 30th, 2014. And if we would have gotten pregnant that very first month. The very first try. First cycle.
Today would have been my due date.
I have a love/hate relationship with pregnancy.
I am a nurse who works with ante- and post- partum patients. And newborn babies.
And I absolutely love my job. I love easing a woman’s fears and being there to help them, teach them, and I absolutely love listening to the babies’ fast and tiny heartbeat. Hearing the cries of a new baby. Seeing the happy tears of a new mom. I love seeking out a heartbeat while a pregnant patient listens for her unborn child. The smiles when the gallop rings out in the room.
But if I see you at the mall and you are pregnant? Run. Run the other way. The sight of your bulging baby bump makes steam pour from my ears and the glare you are getting? I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.
What I don’t understand is how it can be so amazing and beautiful while I’m at work and so horribly personal when I’m not. Rationally, I know that every pregnant woman at the Wal-mart isn’t pregnant just to spite me. But my heart? It’s not so sure.
This feeling I’m feeling is horrible. Guilt. Shame. Longing.
And as always,
I may have eluded to cycle nine in my ‘March on‘ post, but I didn’t really go into detail. Since this blog is sort of my journal as well as a narrative for you to read, I thought I should back track and to a proper cycle summary for February.
I got my period on February 14th. Well, I thought it was my period and then it wasn’t and then it was again. It was more like some moderate spotting that arrived in time to ruin my Valentine’s Day, my mood, and my spirit, only to then let off about 3 or 4 days in. We continued ‘trying’ but I continued to have negative pregnancy tests.
Around this time I had been taking my Synthroid for hypothyroidism for about 5 weeks, and so I chalked it up to my body readjusting to its new and improved endocrine system.
This whole ‘bump-less’ thing is getting kind of old.